low tide

i'm an idiot a lot of times, most times in fact.  i can't seem to get enough of this punishment i administer to myself, it's almost as if i don't consciously acknowledge it.  it's dangerous, i wonder if it's a side effect of being impulsive, or a result of being irresponsible.  i've got to do everything i can to get a job and get a job fucking fast!  i just don't know what it is that's holding me back from an employer's standpoint.  i don't know if it's the warrants that i have or what.  thing about that though is that there is nothing i can do.  i'm bound to it.  it's such a bummer, i wish i would have taken care of EVERYTHING i could've when i had the money coming in to do it.  I guess i'm now paying the price of disregaurding responsibility.  honestly, i just wish that i would have opted to make better choices.  worst of all i'm well aware that no one recognizes the severity of my situation.  i guess i don't let on to how bad it really is, i know i come close, but i just doubt anyone feels the weight of it like i do.  it's so scary to be on the edge  like this.  it's so much pressure that i feel pushing me over and over and over.  i've already fallen too, i've found part of my rock bottom, and scraping myself off the floor is rather hard.  i just really wish i could catch a break, just one small one.  i know that i had the chances to do things right, especially when my money from taxes came in.  i had the plan, and i let it go.  i'm an idiot, and i probably deserve the title of failure because i fail myself.  i don't want to live like this anymore, under the rug and out in the open.  i feel exposed to the world and everyone's looking, maybe it's a paranoia soaked delusion, but it seems so real.  no one knows who i am, and no one really cares either, it's just all in my head.  but in my head is where my mind is, so i can't be so quick to discredit the assumptions because my mentality is the only one that directly effects the body that's attatched to this stupid head of mine.  i wish life would have always been different, not just now.  but i can't pretend that it'll ever change unless i help it along.  i just am not sure what to do and i'm aiding myself in being stuck in the mud.  i'm not looking for high class, just not for this coffin to close.

i remember days that never seemed to end. when i always had just enough in my pocket to last me until that coming Friday. 3 oclock would come and i'd fly out the door on my way to take a load off, have a seat, sit down and figure out what to do with the precious time that i had to spend. It didn't seem like wasted days then, the precious time was so much more valuable. Nowadays, it's as if i'm overdosing on boredom. There's nothing to do anymore. Honestly if i could have the chance right now, i'd work a 1st shift job 7 days a week. I never want to feel like the hands of a clock are waving in my face. I'm sitting here, wrestling with reality. I know it outweighs my mind by at least a ton, and my physical being even moreso.

Those days had their own downs though, i remember thinking about things like "if i have it all, why am i still miserable"

Just thinking that maybe this feeling is something i'm burdened with wether or not i'm happy or successful is difficult to think about, i can't really wrap my head around it. I guess i'll just play my stupid guitar and act as if that will get me somewhere. I've never worked so hard at something, but it just seems like we're only a few months in and not a fucking year. A year! and we have 4 songs! Jay and Geezer with their stupid shit! A year in and no label! We've got to pick this shit up i swear. We're a lazy band it seems. We keep getting good breaks though and it's as if nothing works. I have to try harder, i guess we have to try harder though, seeing as i can't do 100 percent of EVERYTHING myself.


Whatever to the world. Whatever you fucking cunt god damn piece of shit.

depression

i'm not getting anything done, worse yet, i'm missing out on things. this type of behaviour isn't good. i've got to correct it. I'm going out of my god damned mind and there's so little to stop me anymore. i just don't know what to do, i wish there was a magic tidal wave that would just wash over everything and correct the wrongs. i'm in a strange place, i feel as if i'm trapped inside the walls of my own head. absolutely nothing takes away from this.

it's simply a constant struggle, some days i can look past it. other days it looms overhead like a stupid buzzard looking down on me like i'm the carcass i feel like splattered on the road.

i've been depressed a lot lately as well, just down in the fucking dirt, feeling like shit, feeling worthless like i want to die. this all definetly is getting worse as i get older and older. i think that my therapist is a bag of shit and doesnt do anything for me either. he's a joke, he's more focused on doing paperwork and wasting my time then getting to the roots of my issues and getting myself on track. Why do i even go? I should address this when i call him and go in next, if that happens. i missed the appointment for my medical insurance shit. I really am an asshole, but i didnt anticipate driving to fucking Norristown, but hey, maybe if i wasn't a piece of shit, that wouldn't be such a threat.

i'm hopeful today, it's an odd feeling, the anxiety isn't bad but it's not gone or anything. my car is getting fixed, another 140 down the drain... i'm worried about money, but am hopeful ebay can at least help me get situated, at least until i find some work. the beer store behind the house is looking for part time help so i figure that i can maybe pull that off, it will be shit, but it will be something. I'm also going to follow up on the places i applied this week and i'm going to check out ART, maybe give them a call and see what's up.


today isn't the greatest, not even close, but it's another day to at least try. don't mistake this for optimism, just passive behaviours.

dead or alive

it's cliche to say i feel like i'm drowning but i do. it's as if i just went swimming and now i can't breathe. up to my eyes in the salinity of life's reality. as i struggle to even choke, i wonder if it's worth it to anticipate the next wave's crest, hoping it will be the one to burn out my sight and be the first hack of an axe to my spine.

it's not like i wanted this. i guess i had it good not too long ago and i should have been more responsible. that's a big reason it hurts. i was taking baby steps, then getting off course and not gaining ground. i knew it wouldn't last, and now i'm here.

at least i've got Taylor, at least i still kind of have my band. There's hope, i just don't see it a lot. Anxiety makes it hard to swim. I wish i had a raft, but if i did, i guess it would be too easy.

Nah, fuck that, this shit's for the birds. I just hope i wash ashore sometime.