low tide

i'm an idiot a lot of times, most times in fact.  i can't seem to get enough of this punishment i administer to myself, it's almost as if i don't consciously acknowledge it.  it's dangerous, i wonder if it's a side effect of being impulsive, or a result of being irresponsible.  i've got to do everything i can to get a job and get a job fucking fast!  i just don't know what it is that's holding me back from an employer's standpoint.  i don't know if it's the warrants that i have or what.  thing about that though is that there is nothing i can do.  i'm bound to it.  it's such a bummer, i wish i would have taken care of EVERYTHING i could've when i had the money coming in to do it.  I guess i'm now paying the price of disregaurding responsibility.  honestly, i just wish that i would have opted to make better choices.  worst of all i'm well aware that no one recognizes the severity of my situation.  i guess i don't let on to how bad it really is, i know i come close, but i just doubt anyone feels the weight of it like i do.  it's so scary to be on the edge  like this.  it's so much pressure that i feel pushing me over and over and over.  i've already fallen too, i've found part of my rock bottom, and scraping myself off the floor is rather hard.  i just really wish i could catch a break, just one small one.  i know that i had the chances to do things right, especially when my money from taxes came in.  i had the plan, and i let it go.  i'm an idiot, and i probably deserve the title of failure because i fail myself.  i don't want to live like this anymore, under the rug and out in the open.  i feel exposed to the world and everyone's looking, maybe it's a paranoia soaked delusion, but it seems so real.  no one knows who i am, and no one really cares either, it's just all in my head.  but in my head is where my mind is, so i can't be so quick to discredit the assumptions because my mentality is the only one that directly effects the body that's attatched to this stupid head of mine.  i wish life would have always been different, not just now.  but i can't pretend that it'll ever change unless i help it along.  i just am not sure what to do and i'm aiding myself in being stuck in the mud.  i'm not looking for high class, just not for this coffin to close.