I get really angered sometimes by the stupidest things. I have this idea that i'm subconsciously attempting to project a niave mindset towards my past, as if i just don't really think about it, like i'm blocking out day after day after day to keep a non stop forward march into the future. It's odd, maybe it's all a point of view, but when things move through the created protective layer, it really kind of pisses me off. Sometimes i'll see a picture of someone i used to love, and i'll fall into heated misery where i literally tell the computer to fuck itself and get upset about it. Or i'll recollect something from years ago, like friends in my school years, or in my bands, and i'll think about them all and if their lives are different without me, and if they think of me. Sometimes i tend to really get stuck on things. I know that i'm incredibly unpredictable but i also have a feeling that i'm somewhat charasmatic, which would leave a lot of people thinking of stories when they talk with their now-friends, just like i do with the two people i loosely associate. I swear, if it wasn't for me having the internet, i don't even know what i'd do with myself. It would be a different life.

A lot of time has passed that i have to look back on from a position where i feel like i'm hiding from myself. I say that the way i do because it feels as if i'm not ready to look back, yet i don't always do that good of a job at focusing on what's in front of me, my mind just kind of drifts about time, not really knowing, nor really caring about the immediate future, just as long as everything checks out in the now. I guess that's how i can justify that i've never changed, i've never really concerned myself with stretching time out enough to really emerge in different times as a different person, it's always just kind of been that i'm who i am, with my ideas, and they just kind of settle with me, and progress as i progress, not like one day i'm someone familiar, and the next week i overhaul myself into a new image. I've seen a lot of people do that and i've looked down on them for it i guess. It hurts to see the people that i was and are close with change so drastically for what i typically always view as for the worse.

I know that i'm really hypersensitive and overanalytical to all of this shit, it's just how i operate. I just feel odd that i feel alone a lot of times. It stresses me out to see people that i used to once call "mine" in a different place in life. Because i feel as if i never existed, because the past is such a huge part of my life, it's almost a taboo to me. I get really angry about it, jealous a lot of times. More times than not, i don't know how to deal with it. I guess it'll never get any easier, and i know flat out that a lot of the time that i feel is wasted is because my mind is focused on days far gone. I just hope that something will happen in my life that will change everything. I wish i could close the book for once, instead of reading the same things to myself and wishing i could take back time and relive memories, instead of regret them.


It's a love/hate situation with a lose/lose kind of time.