From Beyond

2009-10-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

i think i'm on a rapid course to the grave. i don't know why i feel like this, i always knew the older you got the more you're dying, but i thought it was just something to say. I focus so much on myself being in such shitty shape, but i'm sure i don't even know the half of it. I could be literally next to death and have absolutely no idea. i'm in a state of disrepair constantly. I wonder what did it to me? I thrive in other areas though, my music's coming along better and better all the time. I just don't know. It's getting to be autumn now, so winter's on it's way. It was a mild summer and i spent a lot of it inside, maybe the winter blues are coming a bit early this year. I hope i don't absolutely lose my mind this year.

current playlist:

Dinosaur Jr. - you're living all over me
Like Lions - discography
A Life Once Lost - Open Your Mouth for the Speechless...
Death - Spiritual Healing
Faithful Pig - Faithful Pig
Nirvana - Bleach and B-sides

2009-08-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

So i've decided to show my appreciation for Slayer and all things thrashing evil mad with a new music project that i'm putting together. I began writing for one song yesterday and the riffs are sounding pretty killer. I'm excited to keep working on it and see if and where it develops. Gonna try to have 2 guitars, bass, vocals, the whole mix. Hopefully i can get that many people on the same page. If not, Geezer and i will do it all ourselves, maybe with a second guitarist or something, maybe not, who knows. Topics to focus on, Radiation, Satan, Warfare, Armageddon, etc. a.k.a "cool metal shit"

in other news, everything outside my immediate personal life can eat a faggot dick, fuck off and drop the fuck dead.

i know you know how to read this, i tried.

2009-08-06T14:21:00.001-07:00

waiting on the edge of the world. if the world really were flat, i think space travel would have been figured out years ago.

this modern society stuff makes me squeal like a pig. at least i got geezer hooked up at middleton. i'm happy for him, i just wish i could be happy myself right now.

women draggin me down, band draggin me down, everybody letting me down. hell i even join the team of naysayers.

i even found mold in the parmasean cheese.

i look for trouble so it seems, maybe i am the self destructive one.

2009-08-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

i wake up feeling like life has a flat tire. each and every day

2009-08-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

can't stop thinking about the early 2000's. Music was so killer. WTF happened? Hellfests used to be the shit, eating vegan food, sleeping in a truck, getting bloody and dirty. Moshing so hard you couldn't move for 4 days. Now it's all wack bullshit. Man those were the days. Currently wondering what would have come of my life if i'd have never gotten out of that life i was in. Probably would be a totally different dude. No one knows if for better or worse, just crazy different.

ILL NEVER TURN AWAY
TURN AWAY FROM THIS FIGHT
ILL NEVER TURN MY BACK
ON THIS FIGHT

LOL

2009-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

i remember 2002/2003 so well. recollecting memories i'd had of living the end of my teenage years. i loved seeing cky, with good friends at the time, having good times at the time. it's strange that age seems to disconnect you from your life. maybe it's some sort of physiological effect that everyone feels on one level or another in their life. Probably due to a depletion of some chemical that shoots through your body at a certain speed. Drugs alter it i'm sure, stress does too, maybe you develop a tolerance and life just gets the best of you. i have all the faith in the world that one day science will figure it all out if they haven't already, and if they're not too money hungry like they are now, maybe they'll start fixing problems instead of fighting them with bigger problems. But that's the cycle of greed, which is humanity's biggest issue. Getting people over themselves.

lottery

2009-04-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

tomorrow is a big day, of course there's a plethora of shit that's arisen and has decided to take a stab at my life. go fucking figure.

Girl

2009-04-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

O God
High in your fields above earth
Come and be real for us
You with your mind
Oh yes you are
Beautifully fine

O Girl
Electric witch you are
Limp in society's ditch you are
Visually fine
Oh yes you are
But mentally dying

O boy
Just like a boat you are
Sunk but somehow you float you do
Mentally weak
Oh yes you are
But so much speak

swimming the dead sea

2009-04-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

And the olive trees, for the locust devoured them as well
You will not let me die
Why not
The trees and fields have been picked dry yet you keep me here for what
To sit at your side. Let me die young and empty of days
Bury my bones under the bare olive tree
Let my name rest on the tip of your tounge
As the night captured our still voices
The contrast of the sky locks our eyes one last time

I remember when days used to be easier. As if there was something to wait for. Feels like i've found it and it was a rotten gift stuffed in my gut. Depression is a killer but i hold the gun. i remember driving all over the road to hear this fucking song fill my ears. Each time was like the first, i still remember the time that they played the church and played it twice. Music to my ears. The sun has set on the golden years of my life, but maybe i'm just wearing some really dark shades. I've got a big grave to jump out of. Maybe though this is why people like me don't make it past 27.

I've got to make it past 2012 and 2014 so it seems. One of those years might be my lucky break.

why not why not why not why not why not why not

low tide

2009-03-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

i'm an idiot a lot of times, most times in fact. i can't seem to get enough of this punishment i administer to myself, it's almost as if i don't consciously acknowledge it. it's dangerous, i wonder if it's a side effect of being impulsive, or a result of being irresponsible. i've got to do everything i can to get a job and get a job fucking fast! i just don't know what it is that's holding me back from an employer's standpoint. i don't know if it's the warrants that i have or what. thing about that though is that there is nothing i can do. i'm bound to it. it's such a bummer, i wish i would have taken care of EVERYTHING i could've when i had the money coming in to do it. I guess i'm now paying the price of disregaurding responsibility. honestly, i just wish that i would have opted to make better choices. worst of all i'm well aware that no one recognizes the severity of my situation. i guess i don't let on to how bad it really is, i know i come close, but i just doubt anyone feels the weight of it like i do. it's so scary to be on the edge like this. it's so much pressure that i feel pushing me over and over and over. i've already fallen too, i've found part of my rock bottom, and scraping myself off the floor is rather hard. i just really wish i could catch a break, just one small one. i know that i had the chances to do things right, especially when my money from taxes came in. i had the plan, and i let it go. i'm an idiot, and i probably deserve the title of failure because i fail myself. i don't want to live like this anymore, under the rug and out in the open. i feel exposed to the world and everyone's looking, maybe it's a paranoia soaked delusion, but it seems so real. no one knows who i am, and no one really cares either, it's just all in my head. but in my head is where my mind is, so i can't be so quick to discredit the assumptions because my mentality is the only one that directly effects the body that's attatched to this stupid head of mine. i wish life would have always been different, not just now. but i can't pretend that it'll ever change unless i help it along. i just am not sure what to do and i'm aiding myself in being stuck in the mud. i'm not looking for high class, just not for this coffin to close.

2009-03-18T07:02:00.001-07:00

i remember days that never seemed to end. when i always had just enough in my pocket to last me until that coming Friday. 3 oclock would come and i'd fly out the door on my way to take a load off, have a seat, sit down and figure out what to do with the precious time that i had to spend. It didn't seem like wasted days then, the precious time was so much more valuable. Nowadays, it's as if i'm overdosing on boredom. There's nothing to do anymore. Honestly if i could have the chance right now, i'd work a 1st shift job 7 days a week. I never want to feel like the hands of a clock are waving in my face. I'm sitting here, wrestling with reality. I know it outweighs my mind by at least a ton, and my physical being even moreso.

Those days had their own downs though, i remember thinking about things like "if i have it all, why am i still miserable"

Just thinking that maybe this feeling is something i'm burdened with wether or not i'm happy or successful is difficult to think about, i can't really wrap my head around it. I guess i'll just play my stupid guitar and act as if that will get me somewhere. I've never worked so hard at something, but it just seems like we're only a few months in and not a fucking year. A year! and we have 4 songs! Jay and Geezer with their stupid shit! A year in and no label! We've got to pick this shit up i swear. We're a lazy band it seems. We keep getting good breaks though and it's as if nothing works. I have to try harder, i guess we have to try harder though, seeing as i can't do 100 percent of EVERYTHING myself.

Whatever to the world. Whatever you fucking cunt god damn piece of shit.

depression

2009-03-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

i'm not getting anything done, worse yet, i'm missing out on things. this type of behaviour isn't good. i've got to correct it. I'm going out of my god damned mind and there's so little to stop me anymore. i just don't know what to do, i wish there was a magic tidal wave that would just wash over everything and correct the wrongs. i'm in a strange place, i feel as if i'm trapped inside the walls of my own head. absolutely nothing takes away from this.

it's simply a constant struggle, some days i can look past it. other days it looms overhead like a stupid buzzard looking down on me like i'm the carcass i feel like splattered on the road.

i've been depressed a lot lately as well, just down in the fucking dirt, feeling like shit, feeling worthless like i want to die. this all definetly is getting worse as i get older and older. i think that my therapist is a bag of shit and doesnt do anything for me either. he's a joke, he's more focused on doing paperwork and wasting my time then getting to the roots of my issues and getting myself on track. Why do i even go? I should address this when i call him and go in next, if that happens. i missed the appointment for my medical insurance shit. I really am an asshole, but i didnt anticipate driving to fucking Norristown, but hey, maybe if i wasn't a piece of shit, that wouldn't be such a threat.

2009-03-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

i'm hopeful today, it's an odd feeling, the anxiety isn't bad but it's not gone or anything. my car is getting fixed, another 140 down the drain... i'm worried about money, but am hopeful ebay can at least help me get situated, at least until i find some work. the beer store behind the house is looking for part time help so i figure that i can maybe pull that off, it will be shit, but it will be something. I'm also going to follow up on the places i applied this week and i'm going to check out ART, maybe give them a call and see what's up.

today isn't the greatest, not even close, but it's another day to at least try. don't mistake this for optimism, just passive behaviours.

dead or alive

2009-03-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

it's cliche to say i feel like i'm drowning but i do. it's as if i just went swimming and now i can't breathe. up to my eyes in the salinity of life's reality. as i struggle to even choke, i wonder if it's worth it to anticipate the next wave's crest, hoping it will be the one to burn out my sight and be the first hack of an axe to my spine.

it's not like i wanted this. i guess i had it good not too long ago and i should have been more responsible. that's a big reason it hurts. i was taking baby steps, then getting off course and not gaining ground. i knew it wouldn't last, and now i'm here.

at least i've got Taylor, at least i still kind of have my band. There's hope, i just don't see it a lot. Anxiety makes it hard to swim. I wish i had a raft, but if i did, i guess it would be too easy.

Nah, fuck that, this shit's for the birds. I just hope i wash ashore sometime.

2008-04-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

yesterday was one of the most bipolar days i've experienced in some time. it wasn't even mental, just in the events. seriously day started pissing me off, and ended with me saying "this is the greatest time of my fucking life"

sleep, jen867, best spot on earth, great food. fuck

2008-04-12T05:26:00.000-07:00

supposed to go restore my driving liscence and i can't find my wallet, fuck me man

Anxiety

2008-04-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

a lot of times i have trouble properly grasping hold and understanding the impulsive wave of emotions that i tend to wade through. i get confused a lot, and i think it triggers lavish anxieties that propel me into making rash decisions, impulsive choices, and it's impossible. a lot of times i'll look at myself as if i'm a moron for saying things i say when nervous, the ways i act that seem shy and shaky, or things that i pass up. i hope things balance out soon. i want to take a different look at things for once.

Jailbreak - S/T 7"

2008-03-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.sendspace.com/file/0q9ulk
http://www.sendspace.com/file/0q9ulk
http://www.sendspace.com/file/0q9ulk

2008-03-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

I watched another government conspiracy movie today. Those things are fucking mad man. It's all so plausable and i see how people could be sucked into it. It's hard to discredit such discrediting video, yet i ponder if it's legitimate or just another ploy. It kind of comes off in all comparison as anti republican propaganda in the sense that it's bashing one group of people. Seems like it could be an attempt to gain support for the Democratic party. Why hasn't these movies come up sooner? To me, they're terrifying, especially this one. It all seems so factual, i just hope i'm dead before it takes place, because i don't want to get shot in the head for living my fucking life man. Shit's nasty.

Surprisingly though, one of the topics that was heavily covered in the film was the science of Eugenics. I had dabbled into the science at one point over the summer when it was mentioned in the Vargsmal. I had no idea though that it was such a big issue and a negative thing in the early and mid 1900's. Interesting, yet scary shit in the way it was approached. It makes me wonder what life would be like if we weren't being run. Seems like everyone's doing a shitty makeshift job at sustaining and creating a habital and realistically favorable enviornment for us and our kids to live in. Sucks.

I wish i had the hands of god, so i could wipe the world clean and plant my seeds.

Bongripper flyer pt.1

2008-03-18T14:39:00.001-07:00

part 1 of 2, basic outline for Bongripper's Allentown show

Lyrics to live by

2008-03-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Work machine makes us old before our time.
I don't consent that's how I feel.
Because life's too short , so I do what I can to get by.
I'll decide where my time is spent and you can bet there'll be a smile on my face.
How about yours? How about yours!? "

I remember this summer past i wrote a few songs and one of them had the line "yeah, i still listen to start today" in it, and looking on that months later, i look into how much i actually take from that record. I mean sure, when you listen to a lot of good hardcore music, it's hard to miss the Gorilla Biscuits, but they've always been one of the more special bands in my catalog. I remember when i lived in Florida the first time and my uncle gave me the Start Today record before i went home. Those hot and horrible summer days i'd spend in the garage listening to stories of how great it used to be back in the day playing shows with those bands, and how much music sucks now. I guess it's just as if things were so mucn more pungent back then. Bands were crawling out and making a change in sound, and everything was so much more genuine. I look at the lyrics to that album and think of how much i've listened to them over and over in my head, on my stereo since 2001. I guess it makes a lot of sense that they'd stick so close.

I look to the lyrics that i posted above a lot of times and it helps me think that i'm not so fucked, because someone else got it right. I hate battling myself thinking that i tend to have a shitty attitude sometimes towards things, but i guess that's all part of my age. I just got the news that i'm getting an extra hour every day added onto my shift at the shop. It should be welcome news, but i dread it in sorts. I hate to think that it's set to become routine to get up at 5.30 in the AM every day to go to work at 6 and make the tools until 11 when i short out. I get home and think, man what next, it feels like i dedicate over half my day to something i don't even want to do. I get home and there's nothing to do, i'm a slave to going to bed by 9.00. That's not life man. Another thing that strikes me as odd is how through times being overworked for little gain has become an acceptable practice to the people being used. It's unreal to think you need to spend 40 hours a week for something like 45 years doing shit that in almost no way benefits you other than putting money in your pocket. I guess that's just my warped perception of it. But is it wrong?

Work machine makes us old before our time, it runs you down and will put you out of your youth, your mind, all for the sake of putting you out of hunger? Seems life could have been easier than all of this.

Sleep Live

2008-03-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.sendspace.com/file/9zepah

3 live sleep sets

Holy shit

2008-03-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

2008-03-17T18:02:00.001-07:00

I get really angered sometimes by the stupidest things. I have this idea that i'm subconsciously attempting to project a niave mindset towards my past, as if i just don't really think about it, like i'm blocking out day after day after day to keep a non stop forward march into the future. It's odd, maybe it's all a point of view, but when things move through the created protective layer, it really kind of pisses me off. Sometimes i'll see a picture of someone i used to love, and i'll fall into heated misery where i literally tell the computer to fuck itself and get upset about it. Or i'll recollect something from years ago, like friends in my school years, or in my bands, and i'll think about them all and if their lives are different without me, and if they think of me. Sometimes i tend to really get stuck on things. I know that i'm incredibly unpredictable but i also have a feeling that i'm somewhat charasmatic, which would leave a lot of people thinking of stories when they talk with their now-friends, just like i do with the two people i loosely associate. I swear, if it wasn't for me having the internet, i don't even know what i'd do with myself. It would be a different life.

A lot of time has passed that i have to look back on from a position where i feel like i'm hiding from myself. I say that the way i do because it feels as if i'm not ready to look back, yet i don't always do that good of a job at focusing on what's in front of me, my mind just kind of drifts about time, not really knowing, nor really caring about the immediate future, just as long as everything checks out in the now. I guess that's how i can justify that i've never changed, i've never really concerned myself with stretching time out enough to really emerge in different times as a different person, it's always just kind of been that i'm who i am, with my ideas, and they just kind of settle with me, and progress as i progress, not like one day i'm someone familiar, and the next week i overhaul myself into a new image. I've seen a lot of people do that and i've looked down on them for it i guess. It hurts to see the people that i was and are close with change so drastically for what i typically always view as for the worse.

I know that i'm really hypersensitive and overanalytical to all of this shit, it's just how i operate. I just feel odd that i feel alone a lot of times. It stresses me out to see people that i used to once call "mine" in a different place in life. Because i feel as if i never existed, because the past is such a huge part of my life, it's almost a taboo to me. I get really angry about it, jealous a lot of times. More times than not, i don't know how to deal with it. I guess it'll never get any easier, and i know flat out that a lot of the time that i feel is wasted is because my mind is focused on days far gone. I just hope that something will happen in my life that will change everything. I wish i could close the book for once, instead of reading the same things to myself and wishing i could take back time and relive memories, instead of regret them.

It's a love/hate situation with a lose/lose kind of time.

manic sleep

2008-03-15T20:42:00.001-07:00

Man i don't think i'll ever be on a sleeping schedule that will work out for me. I swear that i could stay up until like 8 tomorrow morning but i have absolutely nothing to do. It's been really frustrating as of late, i have to balance the job and waking up early with never being able to fall asleep. I got these sleeping pills and they don't work, i tried to wash an extra couple down with Nyquil the one night and it didn't really pan out. Apparently my body just doesn't want to quit. My schedule is screwed up again. I hope this balances out safely and doesn't lead to me OD'ing on sleep meds. That will happen though, it's how it always works out..

I guess i won't waste my time and i'll research that "lost planet" Nibiru again.

Om : Live in San Fransisco 8/15/2004

2008-03-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kxl9fh

3 song set consisting of Variations on a Theme in it's entirety

Riff it on up

Calendar Idea

2008-03-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

This is the last time i'll type this, i swear

I've done some thinking today and have devised some sort of calendar for myself. It's interesting, why would anyone, especially me develop such an idea? I think that the typcial Gregorian calander is too vague and useless, it seems too general, whereas i think that time is rather personal. For instance, i don't celebrate many holidays, just a few, it's not something that i care to have special days set aside for. Sure it's trivial, but it's used more for personal archiving and recollection than mapping out what number day next Thursday is. I'll type out my general layout for what i call the "Life Calendar"

The basic principal behind the life calendar is that time moves at your pace, some things will always be a constant, but some things can be looked at through different "lenses" so you can say. For instance, month names are generally useless to me, i look at things more or less by season. I don't celebrate any religious holidays, and i don't necessarily abide by any sort of set schedule. Therefor i find it irrelevant to come up with cute little names for months, when there's a broader and easier system. Setting them up by seasons.

There are 4 quarters in a year, seasonally split by pairs of solstices and equinox. The way i've devised to lay out my calendar of life is as follows.

Typically i view Spring as the inaugural season i label it with a 1. Why would i think of it as the inaugural season? It's on an equinox firstly, which means the light would be split 12/12. March 2oth would then correspond as 1/1 on my calendar.

Going on in the same pattern, the season of 1 will always be followed by the number of days passed in the season itself, until it reaches "2" which would be the Summer season. The same pattern will apply as "3" will symbolize Autmn and "4" will close out the year with Winter's arrival.

for "2008" in the Gregorian calendar this is the sun's life cycle:

Spring - March 20
Summer - June 20
Autumn - September 22
Winter - December 21

For Year 23 that i am coming up on completing, this will be the breakdown

Quarter 1 will have 92 days
Quarter 2 will have 94 days
Quarter 3 will have 90 days
Quarter 4 will have 89 days

March 20th will signify 1/1/23
June 14th will signify 1/86/24

I was born on June 14th 1985 in the current calendar, it's the week before the summer solstice and the 86th day of this years first quarter. I've made it so that i will spend just over 3/4 of one birth year in a year's worth of seasons. I debated making my birthday the first day of the calendar, which would make more sense, and it may be revised into that later on, but as of now i haven't figured out the specifics of that all. I will revise and rework this, should take up some time.

Ascend

2008-03-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't written one of these things in what seems like years. From time to time i'd cringe at recollecting on past entries that i'd written and become somewhat embarrassed by myself. It seems at the time as if i'm saying everything i want to say and just wording it in strange phrasings. It's hard sometimes to think of myself in days past, often i'll reread things that i've written on messageboards, or even on "blogs" that i'd at one time had and i'm always finding myself saying "man what a fag". It's as if the more that i progress throughout time, the more unreasonable i seem in days past. I guess that's part of advancing though, who knows, who really cares? I know in time that i'll even look back upon my opening lines here and say "why the fuck did i type that man" and i'll be embarrassed, so i'll warn myself now, this might get nuts.

I'm not entirely sure how i'll utilize this writing space, i may use it at times to weave together tales of my current and past adventures in this life, use it to put down some ideas for new tunes, review some music and rant about it, record some of my far out ideas, things of the sort. I don't know if i'll really show a lot of people this, but i might post it around once or twice. I don't really want people to read this, yet i'm not sure who i'm actually writing this to. I act as if i'm talking to someone, yet i'm talking to no one at all. This will be awkward to stumble across. Enough reality for now, time to get started.